


This is Not My Beautiful House! This is Not My Beautiful Wife!

by justdoityoufucker



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Dysfunctional Family, Embarrassing Infatuations, Explosions, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Murder Mystery, Questionable Motives for Murder, Regret, Seal and Barrier Master Umino Iruka, Yakuza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-07 14:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15220808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justdoityoufucker/pseuds/justdoityoufucker
Summary: That dealt with (for the very temporary time being) Kakashi turned his mind to the primary issue at hand, namely: the goddamn body that had turned up in one of the first floor bedrooms, and the entire reason he'd cornered Iruka. Or been cornered by Iruka.





	This is Not My Beautiful House! This is Not My Beautiful Wife!

**Author's Note:**

> Haven't finished to teach yet because I have exactly -13 motivation and inspiration for finishing it. So have this! I got to thinking about how weird it would be if someone in Naruto was related to the mob of that world, and Iruka (unfortunately (or not)) got that role. Unedited at this point, but I will be looking over it soon.  
> Title (of course) from "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads.  
> 

Kakashi sat on a tree in the woods, a ways back from his target. Target in the loosest sense; he wasn't actually supposed to kill the man, nor did he want to, but the orders of his mission made it a definite possibility.

The goddamn mission. Kakashi cursed the Hokage, though he did have a feeling that this particular mission didn't just come from Konohagakure's Hokage, but also from it's so-called "Shadow Hokage", and that made him like it even less. It was, basically, an observation mission to gather information. Information on Umino Iruka, and possible ties he might have to other shinobi villages.

The entire thing left a very bad taste in Kakashi's mouth, but he had volunteered to take it. His taking it was the only way he could be sure of an impartial viewer; the other shinobi considered had connections to Root. Well, relatively impartial; it was a very, very well-kept secret that he admired Iruka.

So he was sitting in the forest south-east of Konoha, many kilometers from the city, but far from the border as well, watching Iruka talk to an older man outside of a sprawling house.

What he did know:

  1. Iruka had asked for two weeks off from both his teaching duties and his work at the Hokage Tower.
  2. Iruka had told friends in Konoha that he was visiting family, a reunion of sorts, and his friends had accepted that without complaint.
  3. Iruka had, sealed into a scroll in the bottom of his traveling pack, more gear and weaponry than even Kakashi typically had on Anbu missions.



It was a confusing mixture of knowledge, and the implications of it taken together were not looking good for the young teacher. Kakashi was definitely not one to judge first impressions, however, and knew he needed to dig deeper.

A middle-aged woman came out of the house, dressed very traditionally, her hair in a severe bun at the base of her skull. She said something, and Iruka and the man bowed to her, went into the house.

Kakashi took the opportunity to send out some clones, using as little chakra as he could in order to not alert anyone in or around the house. They each surveyed a quadrant of the house, and when released, the information that came back formed a nearly complete picture of the house and surrounding land.

Forest completely enclosed the house; there was a path running north-south in front of the house, and what was probably a game track overgrown with grass and ferns in the back. An extravagant garden was fenced in at the back of the house; what appeared to be servants quarters were outside the fence, alongside a wash house and a kitchen of sorts. The house itself was three stories high, built in a rectangle with two wings out to the back of it, into the garden; no outbuildings other than those outside the fence, and a tea room in the garden.

Kakashi pushed his forehead protector up, scanned the building while moving slowly in a circle around it. There were the three he had seen, Iruka included, as well as seventeen more in the main house; two children played in the garden, and the servants quarters were full of eight individuals. Thirty in all, at least for the time being. Iruka's chakra stood out the brightest, which meant that he was likely the only one trained as a shinobi, or at least the only one with chakra developed to the level of a shinobi. Kakashi fixed the feeling of Iruka's chakra in his mind. If he needed to find the man quickly, he would be able to.

The next problem was figuring out what was happening in the house. Of course, the routine route would be to infiltrate, himself, but with the sheer amount of people, it was not the course of action Kakashi particularly wanted to take. He found another tree to wait in while he thought; he could in theory henge a clone into a small animal, but that would require an immense amount of focus and chakra; he could likewise send in one or two of his ninken, but the summoning would no doubt alert Iruka to his presence. Plus, the dogs weren't very good at stealth of that kind.

With a silent groan that signified giving up, Kakashi accepted he would have to infiltrate directly. He traded his armored gloves out for ones of charcoal grey fabric, and his sandals for foot coverings of the same color. With his gear swapped, he buried that which he was leaving behind in a trapped pit under the tree. Not only would he have to mask his chakra, he would need to be completely silent; in lieu of taking his weapon pouches, he instead unsealed a pair of tanto from a scroll and harnessed them to his back. Once any source of noise was muffled, he masked his chakra.

It was early afternoon, which meant the sun was still up, but thanks to the scouting Kakashi had done he had a way into the house; he crept across the bare land to the side of it and, launching himself above the open porch, climbed hand-over-hand up the house. It was easy enough to avoid the windows, and once he reached the roof, he climbed up under the eaves. The hole into the house he slid through was one a clone had noticed. It was just large enough for him to slide through, and it left him on the rafters of the low attic.

Dust was thick in the attic. Kakashi stepped carefully, disturbing as little of the dust as he possibly good; that which was disturbed he replaced with a useful jutsu that resettled the dust.

There were two points of entry into the house from the attic, both trapdoors. One was in the northern wing, the other on the southern end of the main body of the house. He crept first to one, pressed his head down against the floor to listen. Nothing. The second, the one in the northern wing, was more fruitful; the varying sounds of people walking up and down what was probably a hallway were audible, and after some concentration he could make out the sounds of talking, and listened in.

"--it's not that he won't be, he just has some business to finish up before coming," a woman's voice said. "God knows he probably pissed someone off again and is trying to avoid a knife to the ribs. Hana, what in god's name are you doing--"

"Honestly, he deserves a knife in the ribs and if he wasn't family I'd do it myself," a man's voice pitched in. It was a low voice, and something about it was unsettling. "Could always pay one of those nice shinobi villages to do it, eh, Iruka-kun?"

Iruka murmured something that Kakashi didn't catch, but it earned a hearty laugh from several people, including the man with the unsettling voice. "You're too soft for this life, boy, we need to toughen you up," another man said.

More murmuring, and the footsteps slowly faded back toward the central part of the building; Kakashi slid his forehead protector up again. Nobody remained in the area below the trapdoor, and all the chakra signatures he sensed were clustered down on the first floor. With utter silence, he pushed the trapdoor up--having greased the hinges while waiting--and slid down to the hall below. From the inside the house looked a little like a modern-style hotel, with rich carpeting on the floor, dark-paneled wood along the walls, and filigreed wall sconces glowing with soft lights. All manner of traditional art lined the walls, from calligraphy to delicately printed woodblock prints; whatever Iruka’s family did, if they really were his family, they were very rich because of it.

Kakashi crept down the hall, peeking into the rooms that were unlocked. The locked doors were very tempting, but he didn’t want to start picking them just to be interrupted by any of the inhabitants returning. He tested the floor as he walked, taking care to only step where there were already footprints in the--hell, was it  _ velvet _ ? Who the hell had that kind of money?

Silently muttering to himself about the stupidity of the rich, he continued down the hall, following it as the carpet turned to the right, and gave way to dark, burnished hardwood.

Imported mahogany, for fuck’s sake, and statues that appeared to be made of marble replacing the paintings. His pace slowed as he reached a central staircase that spiraled in two directions down to the second floor, then the first. A massive gold and crystal chandelier lit the oversized room, and Kakashi had to pause and stomp down the urge to set the building on fire. It was worse than the Daimyo’s winter house, and that was saying a  _ lot _ .

Still moving slowly, he crept down to the second level scanning over the rooms with his Sharingan. No people visible, except for at the end where two people--maids, obviously--re-sheeted a bed and aired out a quilt.

He didn’t make it that far down the hall before a shrill scream sounded from the first floor, followed by another scream that devolved into a cacophony of yells. The insulation of the walls and carpeting worked against him; he couldn’t make out what the yells were communicating, past what have might been “body”.

He trained the Sharingan down, and eventually found all of the people--including the maids, who had run down at the first scream--in one room, huddled in a ring around something. For a few minutes there was relative silence, then a dozen of the people broke off and headed out of the room, splitting off down hallways, opening doors. It was in Kakashi’s best interest to not be found, but shit there was so many people. Through all of the dim chakra signatures, Kakashi sifted out Iruka’s; it might as well be time to ask him what was going on, since sneaking was being extremely unhelpful.

But first, Kakashi flickered outside of the house, disguised himself as best he could and peered into the room the people had been gathered in through one of the wide windows. It was a bedroom, with a massive plush bed, on which was a body. Had Kakashi not been at that particular angle, he wouldn’t have seen the blood dripping down the man’s bare legs to slowly puddle on the floor. A wound to his chest or abdomen, it looked like, and though the robe the man was wearing gave Kakashi a perfect view of the family jewels, it did not answer that question.

He ducked out of sight after taking the scene in with his Sharingan, worked his way around the house until he found Iruka’s chakra. The window he tried opened easily, and Kakashi slipped in and padded to the door on light feet, right next to the hall Iruka appeared to be in.

Once Iruka was alone in the hallway, Kakashi flickered down to--well, to confront him, but the word sounded wrong. Kakashi was more worried that the other man was alright, more than anything else.

He needn’t have worried, because the first thing Iruka did upon sensing him was send three senbon at him, red-tipped ones that Kakashi knew for a fact were treated with one of Anko’s stronger poisons. It was more automatic reflex than anything else that had him throw his empty hands up in surrender.

Iruka’s eyes narrowed, then widened, “Kakashi?”

Both of them froze as footsteps could be heard on the hardwood floor they were standing on, slowly heading toward the corner. Kakashi didn’t even react; it was Iruka who pushed Kakashi into the nearest side room, which happened to be a closet storing old futons, with barely enough space for both of them to fit in it. Kakashi ended up half-sitting on the pile of quilts, while Iruka was pressed against him, between his legs. Despite the ridiculousness of their situation, neither of them paid it any mind, instead holding their breath as the footsteps passed by the door.

After a few moments of waiting, Iruka finally spoke, his voice a harsh whisper, "What are you doing here?"

"Mission," Kakashi whispered back , scooting as far back as he could to allow them both some room.

Iruka blinked, and the realization that came onto his face, mixed with hurt and confusion, nearly broke Kakashi's heart. "From who?" he asked, worrying his lower lip with his teeth.

"Not important; we need to get out of here," Kakashi returned.

"We can't just leave."

"Yes, we can."

"I don't think you appreciate my position," there was a hint of no-nonsense, teacher sternness in Iruka's tone, "my family is yakuza, and not the good kind. They know where I live, Kakashi, and if I bail before we get to the bottom of this they'll pin it all on me. Their killers don't play by any rules."

Oh. That explained a lot--but, still, Kakashi didn't feel right with it. But--

He used the displacement jutsu on the futons to send them up to the attic where he'd placed his return seal. "Tell me you brought a barrier seal with you, sensei," he said. Iruka blinked, but pulled one out of his jacket. Kakashi slapped it to the floor, effectively sealing them in the room until he saw fit to remove it. "There, we can speak normally; would any of them be able to sense it?"

Iruka mutely shook his head, sat opposite Kakashi on the floor. "Who ordered the mission?" he demanded.

"The Hokage," Iruka's face fell, again, so Kakashi hurriedly added, "but it reeks of Danzou; he was tapping Root to take it but I managed to get it before that could happen."

Iruka's nose crinkled adorably in confusion. "Why the hell would Danzou want...what is the goal of the mission?"

Kakashi recited it from memory, "Observe Umino Iruka and document the persons he interacts with; should any of those persons be affiliated with other shinobi countries or hidden villages, eliminate him. Capture the persons if able to for information extraction upon return."

"Other...shinobi countries," realization again dawned on Iruka's face. "Most of my family is affiliated with the Land of Water; I know they are involved to some capacity with smuggling. If Danzou wants information kept away from me and the Hokage--"

"He would have you eliminated, because you would be able to find out," Kakashi finished. They stared at each other, fully aware of the implications. Danzou was fully willing to sacrifice a Konoha shinobi to keep his own underhanded dealings unknown."That traitorous bastard," Kakashi hissed. "But the mission was sanctioned by the Hokage, and he's the one paying out for it; I doubt he'd believe any of this if I brought it to him."

All other emotions had fled Iruka's face, and were replaced with tight worry. "What are we going to do?" he asked in a quiet tone, again worrying his lower lip.

Kakashi couldn't help the pang of worried fondness he felt for the Academy teacher. Iruka had, by majority opinion, one of the safest positions in Konoha, but it obviously wasn't that safe. "We," Kakashi said, "will deal with this."

It was a good sentiment, that they would make it through whatever Iruka's extended family would throw at them, but at the same time Kakashi had no workable plan for it. Originally he figured they'd just get out, but Iruka was right: his family was yakuza and likely had connections in Konohagakure, and the risk to him if he left was too great to consider that.

Kakashi sneaked back to the attic and laid on a dusty futon, considering what to do. He'd agreed to meet Iruka in the latter's room after the family finished whatever their get-together in the lavishly furnished library was, which gave him around a couple hours to plot their next move.

Not that there was much plotting, but goddamn it Kakashi was trying as he ate a rations bar. There were so many factors he didn't know or have control over, primary of which being Iruka's family. Iruka might have better knowledge, but it didn't really seem like they were the type to be honest even with family. And there were so damn many of them, it was hard to keep track of who was who.

Who had it been--the woman, Shion? The flippant comment that she had made to one of the uncles about there being nearly enough of them to take over a city had been enough of a warning for Kakashi. Surveillance, as much as he hated it, would probably be the best tactic; he created two basic clones and changed them into roaches; there were a few in the house anyway, and nobody would spare them a second glance if they kept out of sight. He'd dispel them later.

That dealt with (for the very temporary time being) Kakashi turned his mind to the primary issue at hand, namely: the goddamn body that had turned up in one of the first floor bedrooms, and the entire reason he'd cornered Iruka. Or been cornered by Iruka.

It made sense to use the skills at his disposal to try and figure out who did it, but with the sheer amount of people in the house, as well as how many people had gone in and out of that particular bedroom over the course of the evening, any chances of even Pakkun finding something were close to nil. He was still going to try, once the people in the house settled down, but he didn't expect to find anything and would be pleasantly surprised if he actually did.

That earned a trip to the woods, though; now that Iruka knew he was there, he wouldn't be surprised by a sudden flash of chakra in the woods. At least, he hopefully wouldn't, Kakashi was still slightly aching from the blow to his neck. He hoped he'd get to sleep somewhere decently comfortable so it wouldn't get fucked up.

Pakkun materialized in a small puff of smoke, looking distinctly unimpressed at Kakashi, the woods surrounding them, and his general state of existence. "What the hell you need me for, pup?" the dog grumbled, flopping down and rolling around on the dry dirt.

"First of all," Kakashi moved like a striking snake, grabbed Pakkun by the collar of his vest and held him eye-level, "I need you not to get dirty. This'll require some stealth and if you fuck up I won't be the only person in danger."

That earned a sound that might have been in interest. Kakashi didn't care. He carefully outlined what Pakkun was to do once given a signal, and when Kakashi was satisfied that his summon would actually do so, he climbed back into the attic, and resumed waiting.

Dealing with Pakkun had taken a decent enough amount of time that he didn't have to wait long for a whistle from Iruka. Then it was just sneaking through the house to Iruka's bedroom--a nicer one in the south wing, thankfully not bordered by other bedrooms--and hoping that the other man wouldn't try to kill him again.

It all went smoothly, and when he dropped down from inside the ceiling like a strange bat or something, Iruka just pushed a pile of food in a napkin toward him, didn't look up from a scroll he was scrutinizing. "Rations are designed to keep your energy up, but that doesn't mean they're good for you," he said as if he could see the confused and suspicious expression on Kakashi's face. He frowned, picked the scroll up and turned it every which way he possible could while Kakashi chowed down on the perfectly made gyoza and rice balls (which had unfortunately fallen apart). 

"They aren't letting anyone leave until whoever's killer is found. Anyone who does leave will be labeled the guilty party and will be open season for revenge, if anyone wants it," Iruka remarked, placing the scroll and the ground and walking a complete circle around it, an intense expression on his face. Kakashi was just a little captivated, and belated realized he needed to reply when Iruka sent a fleeting glance his way.

"That's unsurprising," Kakashi said, neatly folding the napkin and scooting to inspect the scroll. "From what I've heard it doesn't take a lot to get this bunch to consider killing each other."

Iruka gave him a withering glance.

"I'm gathering some information right now," Kakashi added, "and if I have any luck we might find something."

"We?" Iruka echoed, curiously looking up from the scroll.

Kakashi paused for a moment, made sure nobody was near, and said, "Summons; you've met him, it's Pakkun. The tiny angry one."

Iruka snorted, looked surprised that he did so. Kakashi was momentarily transfixed with his face. "He's the best one, isn't he?" Kakashi nodded. "Oh, that's good. I think they've left the room alone since we had the meeting, but I can't be sure. I hope he's as good at stealth as his contractor." Kakashi had to check and make sure his entire chest wasn't glowing or bursting into flames, because that's what it sure as hell felt like.

"He is; and he's smaller than me, so he's probably better at it. Find out anything new, other than the ban on leaving?"

Iruka shook his head, and sighed with frustration. Unconsciously he began playing with his hair, easing the tie slowly off. "I've never known a whole lot about the family. I managed to sneak this out of the library but there's some sort of seal on it that I can't figure out; it was labeled as having to do with the family. That's why I, uh. Borrowed it."

"Ever the considerate one, sensei," Kakashi  said. He didn't offer to help; if Iruka needed help, he would ask. And, anyway, Iruka knew more about seals than the entirety of Konohagakure put together. Including Kakashi.

That earned a tight smile, and while Kakashi was truly interested in coming to a conclusion for the entire debacle and dragging Iruka home to prove his innocence, he also just really wanted to sit there and bask in the other man's smile. It was like the sun, but gentler, or like seeing Kushina and being given some of her cookies, or--

Fuck. He was getting into metaphors; something needed to be done, or he'd be screwed. Well, perhaps he already was. Iruka had pulled his hair tie completely out and something very confusing and exhilarating but not entirely unpleasant happened in Kakashi's stomach. Then he scratched the scar across his nose, and Kakashi knew he was completely and totally fucked, probably forever. What he wouldn't have given for Tenzou or Gai to be there as his voice of reason.

Though, if he thought about it, they'd probably just tell him to go for it. They weren't really...reasonable.

Kakashi continued watching Iruka in absolute fascination (and maybe a little bit of adoration) as the brown-haired teacher considered the scroll that was still laying on the ground. Two minutes of silence stretched to three, then four, and finally they'd been poised in the same positions for nearly a quarter hour, and Kakashi's neck was beginning to cramp. Finally, finally the creased lines of annoyance and thought on Iruka's face smoothed, and he muttered a faint, "Oh."

Any thought to ask what had caused such a charming exclamation died on Kakashi's lips, because Iruka suddenly leaned over the seal, withdrew a short, slim knife from somewhere, and slit the palm of his hand with it. Immediately he clenched his palm, let exactly thirteen drops of his blood drip onto the thick paper. Then, with bated breath, they both waited. A minute later, the blood disappeared, and writing began to appear in neat, narrow rows. All of it was written in the same dark black-red, and though Kakashi had seen far worse things in his time as a shinobi, the thought of the writing being blood made his stomach roil in disgust.

"How did you think to do that?" he asked as Iruka knelt and peered at the writing.

"The seal had something to do with blood, so I figured I might as well try," he shrugged. "There weren't many other understandable parameters other than that."

He looked back to the scroll and rapidly read its contents in silence, eyes flickering over the garish ink. Iruka likely would have completely forgotten Kakashi was in the room, but he was still bleeding and Kakashi didn't want him to do something stupid like die or be unable to fight. He had kept his medical kit on him because it was relatively small, and as soon as he got up and walked over to Iruka the other man started in surprise.

"What...?" Iruka blushed. He blushed and if Kakashi wasn't so obtusely focused on the task at hand he would have probably died. Iruka dumbly let Kakashi take his hand, expend a minute amount of chakra to heal the gash on his hand, and wrap bandaging around it. Just in case, of course, and definitely not because Kakashi wanted to hold Iruka's hand as long as possible.

"Uh," Iruka kept his gaze on his hand as Kakashi stepped back to sit near the table, "thank you."

Kakashi, for probably the first time in his sarcastic, lying life, couldn't think of anything to say to that.

They were interrupted from further embarrassment by a soft scratching on the outside frame of the window. The tiny blob that was Pakkun's head bobbed as Kakashi stood, and his eyes flashed creepily in the late evening gloom.

"Woo, pup, you did not warn me that the scents were gonna be that overpowering," the dog said as he hopped into the room, shook himself. He granted Iruka a nod of acknowledgement, which Iruka seemed very confused about, then trotted over and laid down under the short table Kakashi had been sitting vaguely near.

"You were right; I didn't find much," Pakkun said after a very over the top yawn, settling his head on his paws. "Too many scents to sift through. But if I could scent some of the people here, I might have something."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at that.

"There were two scents in particular that stood out," Pakkun grudgingly explained, nibbling on his back left foot, "they were really similar, like twins or something."

"Well," Kakashi hesitantly started, glancing at Iruka, "I presume most everyone in the house is in their own rooms, right now. If you're careful, you could go through the house."

Iruka nodded in agreement, spoke directly to Pakkun, "Don't go through the bottom floor of this wing if you can avoid it, though; the floorboards are sensitive enough that one mouse running on them will wake the whole house."

Pakkun wearily nodded, then stood again. "I doubt you two need the warning, but whoever did this is dangerous, even for a trained shinobi."

Kakashi prevented himself from rolling his eyes, stood up to crack the door just enough for Pakkun to slip out. He and Iruka were once again alone, and the tension had been broken.

"Is he always so funny?" Iruka asked, gesturing to the door.

"Funny?" Kakashi asked, a little indignantly. Bull was perhaps funny, and maybe Bisuke, but Pakkun was the world's most annoying and crotchety old dog who mostly showed up for baths and free food.

But Iruka was chuckling, just a little behind his hand, and trying to look like he was reading from the scroll. "I do remember him; you had me track with him on that mission," he said, and though that particular aspect of their shared past was definitely one Kakashi wanted to forget for his own sake more than anyone else's, it was good to see Iruka didn't hold a grudge about it.

"Well, I'm glad at least somebody likes him," Kakashi said, sitting back down and getting as comfortable as possible. He'd have to leave soon to try and grab some sleep, and the prospect of doing that in a tree was not one he looked forward to.

Iruka hummed in agreement, a sound that sent a little rush of adrenaline down Kakashi's spine, and fully returned his focus to the scroll. Kakashi glanced up at the ornate clock sitting on one of the bookshelves that lined the wall; ten-thirty. It didn't sound like anyone else was awake, but his hearing also wasn't good enough to span the entirety of the house.

Hoping that they wouldn't be somewhere visible, and nobody would notice tiny puffs of smoke, Kakashi found his clones and released them. The information that he got back was interesting (well, they had been roaches) and took some time to sift through. The clones had worked down from the attic, moving in circuits around the house, investigating not just people but also the house itself. Kakashi was glad to finally have a complete picture of the building to fix in his mind despite knowing it wasn’t completely accurate thanks to the view of his clones. There were enough rooms that most of the adults had their own; the few children all were in the same room, watched over by one of the kimono-clad maids.

The clones hadn’t found much more information than that, but the information they did find was helpful enough in its own way. There were a handful of places throughout the house that could work as hiding spots in a pinch, and some other pathways through the house that would keep him concealed.

Kakashi opened his eyes to find Iruka done reading the scroll--which was neatly rolled back up and tucked under the table--and looking at him with a mixed expression of confusion and amusement on his face.

“What?” Kakashi blurted, his entire face and ears burning.

“You were very focused,” Iruka said, busying himself with stacks of seals and barriers that seemed to appear out of nowhere. He seemed laughably prepared for any situation. “I was going to ask if you would like to stay here overnight; it’d be more comfortable than sleeping in the woods, and everyone knows better than to try to break into my room,” he offered as he stood and began slapping seals onto the window, doors, walls throughout the bedroom and attached toilet and large closet. “And, if you could add your chakra to these, that way you and Pakkun will be able to get in and out.”

Kakashi dumbly nodded, followed Iruka around the room to press a finger to each seal as they were put up. The sheer artfulness of each seal was a wonder that Kakashi admired. Whatever anyone might say about the man, he knew his stuff.

“That should be good for now,” Iruka rotated in a full circle, considering the room and attached side rooms as a whole. He nodded in satisfaction.

Kakashi did not know what to do as Iruka dug through the closet, so when the other man asked him to move the table and other things in the room, he jumped to it. The room was actually fairly large, and well built in a traditional way with modern touches, such as the overhead lights. Actually, that did bring up the question of how the hell the house had electricity, as by Kakashi’s reckoning they were around a day’s travel from any town or city. There were a series of creeks and streams nearby, so maybe it was hydropower, but he honestly didn’t think there was enough water flowing at any given time to sustain power to the entire house.

Lost in those thoughts, he was in for a very rude awakening as Iruka found what he had been looking for and threw it out of the closet while coughing: the only futon in the room, a double-wide. “Son of a  _ bitch _ ,” Iruka cursed as he kept coughing, the obvious source the dust from several other things in the closet. “Of course they never clean, why would that surprise me.”

Afraid that the other man was actually going to choke, Kakashi started forward until Iruka waved a hand, “I’m okay, fuck. Can you make sure there’s nothing alive or dead in that?”

He did as asked, again, and only when he was properly laying it out did he connect all the dots. Iruka had told him he could stay; there was only one futon; that futon was an extra wide.

Oh, hell, he was gonna have to sleep with Iruka. Well, not  _ sleep  _ sleep with him, but sleep in the same bed and that was sleeping with him in the general sense and Kakashi’s head sort of felt like it was going to explode even as his face appeared to burst into flames. Thank heavens for his mask, it was really making the heavy breathing worth it.

“Uh.” He managed.

“Up to you,” Iruka said, not apparently giving a single fuck and stripping down to his pants, throwing himself rather gracefully into the futon. “Though getting a decent night’s sleep would be better for being prepared for combat, no?”

Kakashi silently groaned, and accepted that was the way it was going to be, and he might as well make the most of the entire situation.

So he took off most of his weapons, and climbed into the bed.

Through some miracle (though probably mostly just exhaustion) he slept until Pakkun returned, early enough in the morning that the sun hadn’t yet risen but late enough that he felt fully rested. Plus, waking up with Iruka in the same bed, sprawled out with a leg thrown over one of his own was enough to get Kakashi awake.

Yeah partially it was disbelieving bliss, but he ignored that part. 

_ Anyway _ , Pakkun nosed him awake, which was unpleasant. Cold, wet dog nose, right on his forehead. “Pup, news,” he grumbled in his low voice.

Kakashi slid out of the double-wide futon, blearily strapped his gear back on and gestured for Pakkun to follow him outside.

It was chilly in the early-morning air, but it did serve to get Kakashi’s mind off the night he’d spent with Iruka. Well, not  _ with _ Iruka, but--

“Find anything?” he asked, chewing on a ration bar, squatting under a tree.

“Maybe,” Pakkun said, rolling in the dirt. “I still don’t know exactly whose scent that was, but there are some secret passages that I tracked it to; I marked them so you would be able to find them.”

“More secret passages?” Kakashi asked. He did know about some of those, thanks to his clones.

“Yeah,” the ninken flopped onto his side, a clear sign that Kakashi was meant to rub his tummy. He obliged. Pakkun’s tongue lolled as he added, “Just passageways, and maybe a small room; I didn’t see much in the dark. It’s just under and through the house; nothing too big.”

“Mm,” Kakashi kept rubbing, turning his ninken into pudding with his hands.

“Is there anything you need to tell me?” Pakkun asked in a very suspicious tone, his eyes drilling a similarly pointed look into Kakashi’s.

“About what?” Kakashi asked, half-innocently, half-actually-wondering-what-he-did-wrong.

Pakkun gave him a stink-eye, sat up. “Keep your secrets, then, but if you make any changes to the pack everyone’s gonna lose it.”

With that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke that drifted directly into Kakashi’s eye. 

Knowing he’d figure that out sooner or later, Kakashi stood and dusted himself off, checked his cache of weapons and gear to retrieve some of it. When he was trudging back to the house, it finally hit him like a pile of steaming dog shit to the face. Oh, god. Iruka. He was talking about Iruka.

Were Kakashi a lesser man or at least less adept at crushing his emotions into dust he would have probably died from the sheer amount of panic that overtook his being. That said, the panic was quickly overtaken by a mortifying embarrassment. Maybe he should just drag Iruka back to Konoha regardless, so they could pretend this never happened and he could try to (and probably fail at) returning back to normal life.

He was  _ fucked _ .

Iruka was up when he slid back through the window into the room, hair messy but very much awake as he sifted through seals. He worked in silence while Kakashi checked his weapons and moved his gear around to better positions.

Sounds from the rest of the house slowly began to filter into the room, never hitting louder than a dull roar.

Iruka stretched, his shirt riding up to reveal a band of taut brown skin. Kakashi accidentally stabbed himself with a kunai he was sharpening. “I’d best head down,” he said in a slightly apologetic tone, stashing most of the seals but holding out a stack for Kakashi to take, “My great-grandfather is rather traditional about everything, so you should have time to look around the house while we eat. These might help.”

Kakashi took them, looked through them. Standard tags, of course, but also barriers and some useful paralyzing seals. “Thank you,” he said, and he meant it.

Iruka yawned and waved away the thanks. “If I can I’ll meet with you after the meal; I don’t know what anyone else intends as far as figuring out the murder.”

Kakashi’s curiosity got the better of him, and he asked, “That man was related to you, right?”

Iruka nodded, stood, “My--uncle, I think?” Kakashi cocked his head at that. Iruka reddened a little, shrugged, “I mean, I don’t see my family very often; maybe once before my parents died, and only a couple times since then. And that didn’t have a family tree,” he nudged the scroll with one foot.

Kakashi nodded, and let it drop. Iruka checked the seals a last time, and headed out of the room with a small wave.

Then, Kakashi figured, he should probably look at his hand before it got infected. Not that it had been at risk of it, really, but he needed to get his mind off Iruka. It was embarrassing; he didn’t even know Iruka that well, as they had only gone on one mission together and rarely saw each other and interacted while in the Hokage Tower. But if Kakashi was being completely honest (and didn’t care that his sanity was at risk), he would admit that he was infatuated with Umino Iruka to an embarrassing degree. It hadn’t just started, either; the mission that they had worked together on had kicked all of the embarrassment off. Despite how Iruka had been a liability in some ways, he was kind and had a razor-sharp intelligence and seeing him in battle, wounded but fighting like hell--

Kakashi groaned and hit himself in the forehead, sternly reminding himself that he needed to stay focused on the mission at hand. Getting distracted by Iruka when Iruka was already in danger was not an option. Plus, he did value his own life and wanted to make it back to Konohagakure.

He waited for half an hour before slipping back out through the window, heading in a non-linear fashion to his cache in the woods. It made more since--at least, since he had safe access to the house--to keep his extra gear in a place he could easily access it. He split up the weapons and stashed some in the attic, the rest in the room Iruka was using. That done, he took the opportunity presented by the house being mostly empty other than the banquet room to search out the passages Pakkun had marked hours before. There were two of them, one that had three branches and one that was a direct passage from the kitchen to the library. There was nothing interesting in that one, but in the three-branched passage--which led from one bedroom on the first floor to the closet of the main hall and the closet of the room the murdered man was found in. That was flush with scents, and Kakashi could understand why Pakkun had been unable to pinpoint a culprit as he slid his mask down and inhaled deeply.

Five distinct scents, in fact, not counting that of himself or his own ninken. Most of them were cut by perfume or musk, the expensive kind that didn’t irritate Kakashi’s nose but rather sort of turned him on.  _ Embarrassing. _ God, he couldn’t go anywhere.

Actually, the musky scents did slightly remind him of Iruka’s scent; probably familial relation. None of the scents had that specific old-book-and-clean-air note that Iruka’s had.

Careful of making noise, Kakashi tracked down each of the branches; two of the perfume scents went to and from the bedrooms, as did one of the musk scents. The last perfume scent went from the bedroom closet to the branch, then returned. The last musk went from the main hall to the bedroom closet. The first bedroom, the one that hadn’t seen a murder (at least, not yet) was the least muddled of the three, with the two perfumed scents being the only ones in there, other than a very natural scent that he thought was that of one of the maids.

He climbed back into the passageway as the people in the banquet room began leaving the banquet room; some quick footwork, and he was back outside, and scaled up the wall to get back into Iruka’s room.

Iruka was already inside, considering his own feet as he sat on the floor, his hair loose and his eyes unfocused.

“You okay?” Kakashi immediately asked, sliding the window most of the way closed.

“Hm?” Iruka focused on Kakashi, “I’m fine. Just tired of. People.” He waved a hand in the general direction of the rest of the house. “But I did figure we could go ask the servants if they noticed anything; they don’t really like the family, but they have no choice but to work here. And Miyahara-san, the head maid, likes me well enough.”

Well, that was probably a better idea than the little Kakashi could think of. He nodded, and as Iruka took off through the house for the servants’ quarters, Kakashi slipped out a window to head in the same direction. They intercepted each other again in the entry hall of the servants quarters, which opened to the forest in the back, and the garden in the front. 

Iruka announced himself as he slid the door to the building open, Kakashi following him silently. Nobody was in the first room, which appeared to be a living or dining area. A hall was past that, and there was one young woman standing in it, back to them.

Iruka didn’t bother quieting his footsteps, and the young woman startled when she heard them, her movements those of someone who was very afraid. She turned, let out a little shriek, and from the deep pocket of her apron she withdrew a paring knife, and sent it with rather stunning aim directly at Iruka’s head. He caught it with ease, held it low at a non-threatening angle.

“What. The hell,” Kakashi said. Iruka shrugged, turned to the girl, who had shrunk against the wall.

“Considering all that has happened, this is the least strange thing to come out of this entire experience,” Iruka said, his hand still holding the knife. “Really,” he scolded the trembling maid, “I’m a trained shinobi, did you think that would work?”

“Oh,” she stammered, bowed, “I’m extremely sorry, Umino-sama. I thought you were someone else.”

Oh? Kakashi and Iruka exchanged a Look. She knew something about all of the drama; throwing a knife at someone’s head was not a normal reaction. “Look,” Iruka said, placing the knife down and laying a gentle hand on her arm, “I’m not mad; given all that’s happened around here you are right to react in such a way.”

She sniffled a little and scrubbed a hand across her mouth and nose. “Please,” Iruka said, “call me Iruka.” Her eyes lifted and she hesitantly glanced at Iruka, then at Kakashi.

“Are you scaring my girls?” came a fond but scolding voice from the other room, and a tall, broad woman in a deep blue kimono with just a hint of white embroidery stepped into the room, a basket of what appeared to be vegetables balanced on one of her shoulders. She enveloped Iruka in a one-armed hug, sending a suspicious glance to Kakashi.

“Miyahara-san, I am glad to see you in good health,” Iruka said once he was released, bowing to the woman. She inclined her head to him in return. “This is Hatake Kakashi, also from Konohagakure. He’s with me,” Iruka finished somewhat lamely, but really, how could they explain why in the hell Kakashi was there?

“With you?” Miyahara-san asked, bowing only slightly to Kakashi, who returned the favor to the same degree Iruka had. She did look a little impressed at that. “Well, we shouldn’t talk here; Hikaru, is the meal cleaned up?”

The maid nodded silently.

“Very good; they didn’t want us to leave the building while they figure out what the hell happened yesterday, you go along and get some rest,” Miyahara-san patted the girl on the head. She bowed again, and walked off to one of the doors off the hall.

Kakashi followed Iruka and Miyahara-san down the hall, to a spacious area that seemed to be mostly utilized as a storage space, but also a small kitchen. The servants’ kitchen, most likely. Miyahara-san set down her basket (yes, vegetables) and gestured for them to sit at a table lined with benches in the corner of the room.

“Tell me, what brings you to the less well-off corner of this fine house?" Miyahara-san asked, seating herself delicately on the other side of the table. Kakashi couldn't help but notice that he and Iruka were very, very close to each other. Miyahara-san seemed to notice as well.

"Well, you know what happened at the house," Iruka said. That earned a very heavy nod. He added, "I can't leave until we figure out what's happened. Or, happening, I guess."

"They'll order a hit, won't they," Miyahara-san said.

"Probably," Iruka agreed. There was silence between the three of them, weighing down. Kakashi still didn't have much of a grasp on the influence Iruka's family had, and the type of things they were capable of, but that silence told him they were very influential, very capable.

"Well, I wish we could help; things have been tense here, as it is," the silence was finally broken, and Miyahara-san's voice was taut, "No doubt Hikaru clued you in to that."

They nodded in tandem.

"It started a week or so ago," she added, "things have been going missing, tools and linens, things that are usually easy to miss but that we need with all the visitors. I would have noticed if it was any of the domestics doing it, but it very obviously isn't."

"And Hikaru?" Kakashi finally felt comfortable asking.

"Well, that's the other problem," she leaned forward, voice dropping to a low whisper, "someone's been breaking in. Here and the house, ever since things started disappearing. Of course, we think it might be the thief, but it might not be."

"Who's been here since then?" Iruka asked.

"Oh, at least half the family," Miyahara-san leaned back, obviously thinking, "you were one of the last to arrive. Everyone from Land of Lightning and Wave, to be sure; it took the rest a few more days to get here."

There wasn't more that any of the servants knew, or at least any more that they were willing to share. Iruka told Miyahara-san to let him know if any of her charges shared anything, or if any more thefts happened. After returning the paring knife, Iruka left out the front, and Kakashi out the back.

Iruka needed to check in with his family and assure them he was still there, so Kakashi took the opportunity to stretch his legs and patrol the perimeter of the house. Animals moved in the undergrowth, and birds raucously made noise; that was normal, and meant that nobody was likely hiding in the woods or else the animals would've been disturbed. Plus, other than his own temporary hiding spot from the day before (which he only could pick out because he had hidden there), there were no real signs of human activity in the woods. The road, of course, but not even a foot off the road.

He figured it wouldn't hurt to do another check of the perimeter, and the second time around, he caught something. Funnily enough, it wasn't in the woods, but rather inside the house. On the first floor, in a room that he recognized as connected via the branching secret path, were two women. One sat on a pouf in front of a low table boasting a mirror and a whole lot of cosmetics. The other sifted through the closet, pulling out clothes with reckless abandon. There was a lot of fancy clothing--kimonos in boxes that he knew to be from the finest craftsmen, suits that must have cost over his annual pay (even with only s-rank missions), dresses with gold and silver threads embroidered into them. 

“Fuck the rich,” Kakashi muttered to himself, creeping closer. Perhaps they were the ones who used the passageway; of course, most of what he’d smelled was the perfume, but it interacted with each person’s body chemistry in a unique way. Their scents, no matter how they would try to mask them, were their own.

The window to the room wasn’t open, but he could smell faint whiffs of perfume. Familiar scents; he tugged his mask down and inhaled deeply. Yeah, same as the passageway. Well, that was at least two people he had identified. As it was, Iruka was back in his room, and Kakashi wanted to share what he’d found.

Not just bask in the glory that was Iruka with his hair down, no sir, not that.

(He was lying. It was definitely that.)

He scaled the house with familiar ease, completely forgetting that he had his mask still tugged down. So, really, it was a shock to both of them when he slid in and scraped the fuck out of his chin on the windowsill. 

Well--blood running down his neck, staining the only mask he’d brought for the mission, Iruka staring at him clearly caught between surprise and flat-out amusement. If Kakashi hadn’t already accepted that the entire mission would likely have him wanting to die with embarrassment, he probably would’ve left right then and there.

“Are you okay?” Iruka asked, his expression still swinging from amusement to worry.

“Fuck,” was all Kakashi muttered, slapping a hand to the fresh scrape on his chin.

It was Iruka’s turn to pull out a scroll-based medical kit and gesture (very firmly) for Kakashi to sit. He sighed, but did so, let the other man pry his hand away from his chin, clean up the blood, and use a quick medical ninjutsu to scab it over.

“That’ll need to be washed,” Iruka said as he re-sealed the kit, gesturing to Kakashi’s rumpled mask. For some reason, his ears and high on his cheeks were pink as he busied himself with the scroll.

Kakashi gingerly patted the scab on his chin and, content it wouldn’t pull and start bleeding again, reached under his shirt to tug the mask up and off. Most of his shirts had masks sewn or weaved in, but he hadn’t done laundry in a long time, so he’d had to go with a separate mask and shirt deal for the mission.

There wasn’t too much blood on it, but it would have distracted him horribly if he left it on; for the time being, Kakashi hid it in Iruka’s bathroom in a small container to soak. Hopefully, it would get clean enough that he could put it back on.

“Do you not have another mask?” Iruka asked after Kakashi had been sitting back down for a few moments. He seemed overly troubled; it was precious, though Kakashi really couldn’t imagine Iruka actually having any spare masks.

“It’s fine,” he waved Iruka off. And, in fact, it was. Having no filter for scents would actually be helpful, as long as they weren’t overpowering, and for a bunch of rich yakuza Iruka’s family did appear to have some restraint, so that didn’t seem likely to happen. “I wanted to ask you a question; there are two women sharing a bedroom on the first floor on the northern side of the building, both short, lightened hair. Who are they?”

Iruka’s forehead scrunched in thought. “Lightened hair? That would have to be--oh, I don’t know her name, but she’s a cousin. I think. And her sister. They keep telling me I should lighten my hair.”

Kakashi’s brain rejected that particular mental image. “Is there a family tree or something?” he asked. They needed more help than their own brains.

Iruka brightened, “Wait--yes, in the main parlor. But, it is mounted on the wall as far as I know.”

“That’s fine,” Kakashi waved a hand again, “where is this ‘main parlor’?”

It was tempting to go by himself and just memorize the family tree with his Sharingan, but Kakashi also really didn’t want that information to be permanently tumbling around in his brain. Plus, Iruka could easily use his wish to know more about the family as an excuse if he was found,  _ and _ he said he had an idea of how to get a copy of the family tree.

So Kakashi silently shadowed Iruka down to the second floor, flickering to alcoves or to hang onto the ceiling whenever they passed his relatives. Nobody gave Iruka a second glance, and they made it to the parlor--a vomit worthy show of luxury and tasteless wealth--without a hitch. Once inside, with the door closed (but not locked), Iruka pulled out a scroll from his pocket, and released the seal inscribed in it. A massive sheet of folded sealing paper appeared, and Iruka hurried into action. He unfolded it, measured the branching family tree held in an ornate, gilded frame on the northern wall and cut a comparable size piece of sealing paper. With a self-inking pen, he scrawled sealing signs across the face of the paper, and complementary signs upon the original family tree. 

At a nearly feverish pace, he finished inking, and then knelt in front of the seal paper and pressed a surge of chakra into it. The ink he had drawn onto the parchment hanging on the wall flew off, it and the ink on the sealing paper merged and formed an exact copy of the delicate writing on the wall. He had the sealing paper back in the scroll and his tools thrown to Kakashi just in time for Kakashi to climb into the ceiling.

The door creaked open as Iruka rearranged himself into a studious slouch facing the family tree. Kakashi held his breath; the intruder questioned Iruka in a quiet tone for only a few seconds, seemed to accept his replies, and made a final comment that Kakashi didn’t catch. He moved away, anyway, heading to an empty room so he could make his way back to Iruka’s room. Iruka was still in the parlor when Kakashi entered the window to his room, but Kakashi didn’t want to wait. He neatly stacked Iruka’s supplies--the pen, the scroll the paper had been sealed in, and the extra paper--and snapped the seal paper out to lay flat on the floor. 

The tree branching on it was extensive, going back at least five generations. Each generation was much larger than the last, with Iruka and his cousins (the last generation added) counting at least three dozen. Of course, a good ten or so of them were marked as deceased.

Before he could do much more than glance at it and place Iruka’s name in the middle of the main family branch, Iruka flickered into the room, looking royally pissed off. “I hate my family,” he muttered, in response to the raised eyebrow Kakashi gave him.

Not knowing how else to calm an angry Umino Iruka down, Kakashi handed his supplies back to him one at a time. It seemed to give him just enough time to do so, at least a little bit.

“I’m obviously a suspicious person,” Iruka continued, his voice level as he knelt in front of large seal paper. “But mostly they seem to be suspicious of my uncle’s children. What are their names--” he withdrew a different pen from his pocket, traced the branching lines and names with a finger. When he found the right name, he drew an “x” in red ink beside it, then continued up, “Kohaku and Miharu.”

“They are…?” Kakashi asked.

“Uh, wait,” Iruka looked up at him, “those women you asked about earlier. They stood to inherit most of the money on that side of the family once their father--oh.”

“Let me guess, once he died,” Iruka grimaced, but nodded.

“But they couldn’t have done this themselves. They were raised like princesses. I suppose they could’ve hired somebody, but they could pay for the best rogue shinobi out there,” Iruka scratched his head.

They both considered the family tree. Looking at it, Iruka was placed securely in the middle of the head family, with smaller branch families on either side. He was in the direct male line of whoever the head of the clan was. Obviously not the only one, with the uncles he had and the children they in turn had, but it was something.

“Are you rich?” Kakashi asked suspiciously. Obviously the rest of the Umino or whatever they were were, indeed, rich. Too fucking rich. Obnoxiously fucking rich. But Iruka lived a meagre existence from what Kakashi could figure and those two things didn’t make much sense to him.

Iruka stared at him for a full minute, and then started laughing. It was a chuckle at first, but quickly progressed to gut-holding hysterics and Kakashi was actually a little afraid Iruka was going to asphyxiate himself with how hard the laughter was. And also a little annoyed. Maybe.

“Wou--would I be busting my ass for the  _ Hokage _ if I was rich,” Iruka managed to choke out, wiping his eyes. “Are you  _ kidding me _ , oh my god.”

He managed to calm down after a further ten minutes, occasionally giving in to a fit of giggles. Finally,  _ finally _ he wiped his eyes one last time, cleared his throat and fixed Kakashi with an apologetic look that wasn’t very apologetic. “Sorry. I, um, my parents were cut off when they moved away, so I never grew up with it,” he said, settling with his hands on his crossed feet, “I kind of forget that I’m related to the wealth, not just the people. I wouldn’t want it anyway,” he shrugged, making his hair do a wonderful flip thing that Kakashi was momentarily entranced by, “I’m happy with my own life, and they make it off the pain and labor of others.”

“Why do you still come visit?” Kakashi asked after another pause. Given Iruka’s attitude for his family, it didn’t really make much sense.

“Well, the whole hired killer thing is part of it, but they also knew my parents,” his tone softened, and his expression turned--disappointed? “I don’t have much in the way of mementos, so I want to get what I can.”

_ Well _ , that was a mood-killer, and Kakashi sincerely regretted asking it.

“But,” Iruka brightened, “on the plus side, they do underestimate me. It’s hilarious.”

Kakashi was very, very tempted to ask about that, but they did have things to do. Not least of which being figuring out which member of Iruka’s family was a murderer. 

“I would like to see the bedroom again,” Iruka said after a pause, biting his thumb. “I just feel like there’s something we missed.”

It was a better suggestion than anything Kakashi could come up with, so he nodded in approval of that plan. “Meet you down there?” he asked.

“We both might as well go outside,” Iruka said, folding the family tree before standing. He threw the folded paper into the closet, followed Kakashi out the window and down to the first floor.

They had apparently taken long enough with the family tree that most of the others had gone to bed; in any case, the “guard” they had set outside the bedroom was already asleep.

And had been, obviously for a while, because there was someone else in the room.

“Goddamn,” the newcomer said, turning as Iruka first entered, and Kakashi followed. The first knife flew too quickly for Iruka to fully avoid, slashing his lower lip as he bent backwards in a duck. “You’re one of the family; why are you even meddling in this?” The man asked. His entire countenance was heavy, dour, but the muscles on his exposed arms were taut with power.

It was plain that both Kakashi and Iruka didn’t know how the fuck to react. Where the hell had the man even come from? Who the hell was he?

“Fine, I’ll take care of you just like those servants,” the man said, snaking in with a knife.

Before it could make contact, Iruka slammed a palm into his nose, shattering the bones there, swept his legs out from under him, and driven an elbow into his chest to send him to the ground. Where he stayed, leaking blood and unconscious. Iruka straightened, glanced at Kakashi.

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” Kakashi said in a sincerely impressed tone, feeling inappropriately aroused considering the fact that Iruka had just broken a man’s nose and maybe also a few ribs and a leg. But god _ damn _ he looked hot with that cut on his lip and his hair messily falling around his face.

“Please tell me you have chakra wire,” Iruka said, swiping a hand across his face and smearing the blood there.

“Oh,” hoping whatever boner he had wasn’t actually visible, Kakashi found the needed item and tossed it over to Iruka, then turned his own spotty attention to cleaning up the spots of blood on the floor.

Iruka had the man hogtied like a butchered deer, with a seal over his face that would prevent him from making noise when he woke up. “Take him,” Iruka paused, thought it over, “up to my room. If I seal him in the closet nobody will notice; go, quickly. I’ll clean up here.”

Still feeling stupidly horny, Kakashi slung the prone man over his shoulder and, through some freaking miracle of timing, was able to run up through the house to Iruka’s room instead of having to go outside and climb in. He cleared out the closet, sending most of the stuff up to the attic where the moldy futons and the moth-eaten yukata were resting. One old quilt would work to make sure no blood soaked into the carpeting, and Kakashi threw the man into the closet.

Iruka whirled into the room just as he did so, slapping up seals without a second thought.

“More trouble?” Kakashi asked, finally calmed down enough to be able to process more thoughts than just “Iruka hot”.

“No,” Iruka said, pausing after closing the closet, a seal on each of the inside walls and the outside of the door. “But you never know.”

That was a piece of wisdom Kakashi could agree with. Especially when Iruka was involved.

“We need to find Miyahara-san; if anything happened to the servants, she would know. Or he might have been talking about her,” Iruka said, the expression on his face clearly one of intense thought, “Kakashi--”

But Kakashi had already cut his right palm with a kunai, was performing the needed seals. Pakkun appeared from the smoke, coughed once, and shot Kakashi a sharp look. “I’ll take care of it,” Kakashi said, and before Iruka could reply, he picked Pakkun up and shot out the window.

After the customary grumbling (while sitting atop the roof) the two of them went down to the servants’ quarters, which were dark and quiet thanks to the late hour. It was easy enough to tell which room was Miyahara-san’s, because it still had an oil lamp lit, despite being empty.

“What the hell happened here?” Pakkun muttered, snuffling around the room. “A lotta scents. It seems like there were two women in here, and a man. Fear; they left out the door,” he continued muttering as he walked out, through the building, and out into the woods.

“Fear--they didn’t go willingly, then?” Kakashi asked.

“Would seem not,” Pakkun replied, his head still low to the ground as they proceeded through the woods, down a trail of some sort, “the male scent is heavier; he likely returned by the same path. Probably been here before, too.”

If Kakashi was thinking through it rightly, then that made sense. Miyahara-san had mentioned the servants complaining of a man; if he had been contracted to kill Iruka’s uncle and had been camping out to get a lay of the land, he would’ve used a trail to get to the house. And that man appeared to be the same one they had captured in the house. Or at least, similar enough of a scent to that man, but Kakashi’s nose wasn’t easily fooled.

“Up there, pup,” Pakkun said, gesturing to a rocky area ahead of them. “If you don’t mind, I’ll sit this out. Oh,” he paused before the summoning released, “and Uuhei said that if it’s the Iruka-sensei she remembers, she’s fine with your decision.”

“What?” Kakashi sputtered as the dog disappeared. His ninken usually did things that made sense, and yet Pakkun was making very little. He longed to summon the little shit again and interrogate him, but. More pressing matters, and all that.

He continued on the way Pakkun had pointed. There was a dip between some larger boulders, and in that dip, covered in dirt, bound hand and foot and gagged, were Miyahara-san and, for some reason, Hikaru. The gags were the first to go, and immediately Kakashi knew why Hikaru, at least, had been trussed up and left in the woods.

“You killed him and you thought you could get away with it?” Miyahara said, her voice harsh, likely from trying to yell and bite through the rag that had gagged her.

Kakashi, knowing he would regret doing so, cut off Hikaru’s gag as well. Not that she was much help as to telling him what happened; she was hysterical, completely and utterly so. “I didn’t mean to! It was an accident, and I thought that would make it better because I knew the man was going to kill him,” Hikaru babbled, chafing her hands against the ropes holding her.

“Why didn’t you say anything, you ninnyhammer?” Miyahara roared. Had Kakashi not been cutting through the ropes around her wrists, he thought she would likely be wringing the girl’s neck. “You put all of us in danger, as well as the family, because you were thinking with your libido! I’d like to see you get work anywhere after this!”

“Miyahara-san,” Kakashi said in a loud, calm tone, “If you would please calm down, it won’t help if the rest of the family finds us.”

The woman sighed, inhaled and exhaled deeply, then nodded. “Right. Good thinking. What happens now?”

“Now,” Kakashi said, bodily lifting Hikaru onto one shoulder, “we stay quiet and return to the house.” To Hikaru he added, “If I hear anything more from you, I’m knocking you out.”

The young woman lasted maybe two minutes before she began wailing again; it was a much easier walk with her unconscious. They walked into the clearing to find the house on fire. Not just the roof or anything, but the entire house completely engulfed in flames; a huddle of people stood in the distance on the road, staring up at the house. If he squinted, he could pick out a couple of Iruka's relatives--the children, his older aunts and uncles--which meant that there was likely plenty of warning. He hadn't even been gone that long; what the hell had Iruka gotten up to?

“What the fuck,” Kakashi said, and he dropped Hikaru right there to leap in through one of the broken windows. Iruka’s chakra was still there, down on the first floor. Kakashi didn’t recognize the room he was in, but he found his way to it and slammed the door open to find Iruka sealing some oversized books into a scroll.

“The ledgers!” Iruka yelled when he noticed Kakashi, “I figured we might as well take them, too!”

“We need to get out of here,” Kakashi said in reply, speeding over to Iruka. He grabbed the sealed scroll and took Iruka by one hand, leading him back out of the room to the main hallway.

Moments after they stepped foot in the hallway, the doorway across from them exploded; storage room, of course. Flour was prone to exploding when it faced heat and pressure, Kakashi thought, barely aware of the bar of wood that had beaned him right in the left temple.

“Holy hell,” Iruka choked out, his hand tight around Kakashi’s wrist. His grasp was strangely grounding, despite all the fire and smoke around them. Well, good riddance, Kakashi thought, reeling.

He nearly fell over, but Iruka caught him, an arm hitting the back of his knees, the hand on his wrist moving to wrap around his shoulders. Iruka carried him, bridal style, with complete ease. Kakashi wanted that moment to never end, but he also wanted to die in the fire with how red he knew his face was.

“Hang on,” Iruka said, somehow performing hand-seals for, of all things, a katon ninjutsu.

“Do you want to bring this house down on us?” Kakashi asked, wrapping his arms around Iruka’s neck and feeling rather like an oversized monkey.

“Yes!” Iruka bellowed, slapping his hands into the last seal and sending a wave of white-blue flames out behind them.

Somehow, he kept hold of Kakashi, and through some intensely complicated footwork, had them sliding out of the window of the banquet room as the northern side of the house began to audibly collapse.

He didn’t stop running until they were a good kilometer or so away from the house, up the sloping land high enough to still see it.

Kakashi got no warning before he was dropped right on his ass, and Iruka dropped onto the grass to lay beside him.

“This entire thing was extremely stupid,” Kakashi said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Iruka replied. “At least I won’t have to see my family again.”

That was definitely a positive. “So, Hikaru?” Kakashi asked, turning his head to look at Iruka.

Iruka snorted, blew a few loose hairs out of his eyes. “Yeah, according to the man, he’d been watching the house for nearly a month. He kept close watch of Hikaru because she’d been sleeping with my uncle, and he had. Er. Some kinks. That were dangerous. Something went wrong asphyxiating him and he lost consciousness, but she lost her head and thought she’d killed him. So, she actually killed him.”

“By stabbing him in the dick,” Kakashi pushed himself up to sitting, shook his head. “And the man we found had nothing to do with it?”

“Not exactly. He was bought by Kohaku and Miharu to kill their father. He never got the chance, though, and was trying to find the will to destroy it so he would still be paid. Too bad for him, they found the will a few hours ago; his will left everything to his new wife, anyway,” Iruka stretched, then sat up as well. “She’s gonna be in for hell when this leaks out.”

Oh, the irony. Kakashi was fleetingly very thankful he didn’t have any living family. He stood, turned and offered Iruka a hand up, hefted him onto his feet and they were a little close a nd they were kissing, goddamn  _ finally _ , though it was a little embarrassing that Iruka was the one initiating it but Kakashi refused to complain. Admittedly, they both probably tasted a little gross, what with all the soot and blood and dirt, but it was wonderful. The real mood killer occurred right as Iruka started groping his ass, and Kakashi remembered--

“--we have to tell the Hokage,” he blurted out, pulling away from Iruka. Iruka looked very confused, then groaned.

“Do we have to?”

“Considering this will get Konoha rid of Danzou,” he held up the scroll with the shipping manifests and ledgers, “yes?”

Iruka considered that, then swiped the scroll from Kakashi and pocketed it in his own weapon pouch. “Fine. But we’re taking the long way home. I want to be clean.”

“Sure, sure,” Kakashi said in reply. They slung their arms around each others shoulders, began working their way back to the road, and (eventually) home.


End file.
